#67 Should understand

Tell you, it's going to be long, once again. Talking about deepest thoughts and feelings.

Seriously, I don’t like blogging such thing. I rather to talk about all this insecurity or whatever you call it with one particular person, the one who will listen or get involved with it. I just don’t like going public. But at certain moment, I just need to. Like right now.

I don’t know my self anymore.

I am just losing grip in everything and I just don’t know how to get back on track, clueless.

It’s not about what, it just my self, conversation that I should had with my self.

The first thing I should say to people is

“Hello, I am Lubby. You might think I am sweet, easy and open-minded. You might think I can fit in any clique and adorable. But don’t get too comfortable. Long enough if you had ‘something’ serious with me, you might find I am bossy, bothersome, over thinking about everything and complex and mostly, intractable as hell.”

So then, everyone will think million times before had bond with me and it would be easier for me as well not having you, you or you in my life for me to think about. Call me egotistical and selfish, I don’t mind at all.

I am disgust with the fact that now, right now, I need to experience the same shit all over again. This thing that happened, frequently and recently just scares the hell out of me. No one knows, no one realize because I didn’t speak out. I didn’t tell people how insecure I am about all these things. I thought that I could handle it. I thought that when I am over it, I can deal with everything. I lie. I just actually don’t know how to deal with it. I am suck at this.

I put a little less effort than before at this moment and some people just keep nagging and complaining about it. I don’t really think much now about what other people think of about anything, and I just couldn’t care any less about how I handle things. Screw you ! Different people have their own way to overcome things.

I don’t mind, really but I just hope that you will be little nicer helping me to overcome this not by telling all the insecurities about how I live my life and how hard for me to turn people down. I am a little too nice to say no. That’s just me and to tell you the truth, I hate the fact that me myself is like that. I don’t like it, most probably I hate it so much. I should say NO. NO. Same goes to you, I didn’t say NO. I let you in just like anyone else and it had become a little complicated. Like I said, I should introduce myself to you like what I mentioned earlier. That’s fair. You, you, you and me.

I don’t like become public like this but right now I just don’t feel like talking to that one particular person.

I am emotionless, at this very moment. I can’t remember any memory, with anyone. Over the limit, blocking my brain from thinking about things. I can't remember why I blog about this thing. S***.

Hello, I am Lubby and I just couldn’t remember anything. That’s good, right? No?

And

I know

You guys didn’t understand a thing.

So,I am glad.

Please don’t try to understand.

That will make me feel better.